Christmas can be a very lonely time. A
time we just say “I feel lonely” or “I'm lonely”.
The good news is that by some
education, searching our past, the act of feeling through and some
reaching out at the appropriate time, we can reduce or eliminate
loneliness. The lonely adult life has it's roots in our childhood. We
all know that as adults, it is possible to be in a large crowd
feeling lonely or be in solitude and feel very content.
What circumstances in childhood make us
feel lonely? 1. A lonely, hurtful childhood 2. Neglect or abuse when
we were children. 3. Our feelings were not heard or accepted when we
were children 4. Being emotionally unavailable to our children leaves
them feeling lonely 5. Teenagers who are abandoned by parents who are
trying to work through their own pain and who think we should take
care of ourselves. 6. When we are subject to rigid sets of rules by
parents, to avoid engagement. Any of these look familiar? Be honest.
This is not about dissing our parents, it's about our personal
experience.
Children cannot feel their loneliness
without help, so they may push down or suppress these hurtful
emotions. As adults, our unconscious self directs us to feel over and
over what is so familiar from our past – we can get stuck
reenacting our childhood. It is possible to arrange our present life
to keep ourselves so lonely. We may create imaginary friends,
sexually fantasize, read romance novels, act out or withdraw deep
inside. We may find ourselves subject to media that uses the
“achey-breaky” notions to sell/promote products and services,
like lonely songs. We may erect a wall to make it difficult for
others to get close or we may flood our friends with our need,
driving them away. We may play music loudly (good for reducing pain –
this is not a recommendation) and incessantly or blame others for our
loneliness. Even the travel industry may have capitalized with the
lonely planet!!
So what to do about being lonely?
Parents can take responsibility to spend meaningful time with their
children. We can reconnect with old friends using many means,
including Facebook. We could get involved in a club with like minded
people.
It is very important to understand that
feelings of loneliness are our natural emotional healing power trying
to get our attention – so be encouraged, your amazing natural
emotional systems are just communicating with you! We need to
understand that lonely people have the roots of their feelings in
childhood. Journal writing about our feelings and past would be very
beneficial to help connect our present emotions and past events; this
will help us to effectively feel through and integrate the loneliness
into the tapestry of our life experience.
It is helpful to know that as a society
we have discounted the feelings of loneliness in childhood, yet by
following these few simple and difficult guidelines, we can achieve
more independence yet closer relationships, along with a positive
freedom within. How did we feel when we were removed from oiur
mothers at birth? The way to move beyond even intense feelings of
loneliness is to feel them – causing them to dissipate. We will not
be overwhelmed by these feelings – our emotional system is our
colleague - as long as we are not in a large group setting which uses
blasting us open to our big feelings as its modus operandi.
A lonely quote - “Loneliness and the
feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.” Mother
Teresa
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